T’ween

Ugh!

The first one was so easy. Alright well that is a bald faced lie. Navajo ceremonies don’t actually sit right with the Roman Catholic Church. Christopher’s mother complained that her family was to big for all of them to attend a wedding in Arizona so we had to resort to holding it in New York near Lake George I think. My family rallied and made sure that the Sackett Atticity and my father’s extended tribe was able to attend. The glares from across the aisles would have been funny had I not thought I was going to throw up at any minute. The DiMarco’s at least accepted that Chris’s heathen native was redeemable when they met and found out that grandfather Sackett was a respected laywer in England and his wife a well known novelist. I nearly laughed out loud when Grandmother Sackett told Chris’s mother that her hand bag was a ridiculous waste of good Italian leather.

My second wedding was a simple one. My Grandfather Red Crow offiated and married Lance and I in my mother’s rose garden. He was happy for us, but I think it saddened him a little as well becuase he had also married his other grand daughter to this man as well. Simple ceremony, simple food, bonfire, dancing, drumming. A celebration.

Now my third wedding has to be dealt with.

Nothing so simple this time and probably much more complicated than the first. There is just no simple way to marry Santa Lance, the Legend of the Dust without pageantry and precedence. I’ve asked Rosie to help me with the arrangements and soon I’ll have to figure out who to ask as bridesmaids so I can torture them with thoughts of pink dresses and horrible hairdo’s. The only thing I am sure about and have discussed with Lance about is asking Nico if he will walk me down the aisle. I would like to ask Zachary to do so but I’m not sure that he would accept nor do I think it would be safe for him to leave the Technosphere as that he’s had so many attempts on his life recently.

The invite list will read like a who’s who of the Hollers, major threads, JET members and most likely require security that is beyond my scope of expertise, which reminds me I will want to ask Smiley about consultation fees.

We are thinking late November, possibly the traditional date of Thanksgiving to give the people of the Dust hope with the symbolization of hope.

Such grand plans. I should be happy, thinking about what I want to wear and how I’m going to pull this one off, yet I keep thinking about Erin and then eventually after Lance falls asleep I think about Christopher.

I will only list the things that I have learned these past few days as that I do not feel well enough to actually think about it and what the repercussions might mean.

My niece is possessed by a demon.

John E. Grayer killed my Christopher by shooting down his plane. though I know that there were no other planes in the area hence he had to have come from the future to do so and used future technology. He doesn’t know why he did so or who ordered the hit.

The Bennedetto’s may have ordered the hit on Christopher to make his father tow the party line or worse I may have done it myself so that I could be the woman I am now so that for some reason I can help repair what happened.

There is civil unrest under every rock and stone. Unrest that may lead to the PPOC and the Seven Nations looking like safe havens.

I’m to tired to think about this now. Lance wants me to come to bed but my chest hurts and it’s hard to breath. I need to calm my thoughts before I go to him.

Lance asked me to marry him.

How do you break the ice with a woman you married, died and forgot about, fell in love with, then forgot about entirely, then remembered you loved with all you heart but things were a bit strained? You give her a birthday present. Twenty-nine of them to be exact. By that time, if she loves you so much that she thinks the world might break (if it wasn’t already broken) she will be crying enough to slip in small talk.

1. “The Virgianian” by Owen Wister (the first one that took my breath way and broke the ice)
2. A slender and very delicate silver necklace. (Things were still surreal up to this point, as if I was daydreaming)
3. A tourquoise belt buckle (nearly fell from the table as he pulled out the rest of them)
4. fur-trimmed medicine bag
5. a nicely illustrated copy of “Enemy way comes with War” by Johnny Rustywire.  In English and Navajo (beautiful)
6. A shotglass with a cowboy riding a bull painted on it (he has the other, a cowgirl riding a bull)
7. A jigsaw puzzle of a pair of wolves standing shoulder to shoulder on top of a cliff
8. A magnetic sculpture made up of hundreds of tiny diamond slivers
9. A compact disc of “Brothers in Arms” by Dire Straits
10. A fancy bookmark with a tassel and an illustration of a palamino
11. A pair of sunglasses
12. A jar of pink nail polish (the kind that doesn’t chip, pearlessent it’s so awesome)
13. A set of fancy writing paper and envelopes
14. A nice pen and replacement ink cartridges
15. A hatband with a colorful feather
16. A rosebush with perfect pink rosebuds
17. A sampler pack of seeds for planting
18. A nice bottle of bourbon
19. A deck of cards
20. A pre-event copy of “The Spiral Dance” by Starhawk
21. Oven dry clay in various colors (we made some rather rude shapes with these, it was good to giggle with him)
22. A small rack with cooking spices
23. A dreamcatcher
24. A pewter statuette of a dragon with colored glass eyes, claws, and wing tips
25. A set of horse grooming tools (I think Linsey has already stolen these)
26. A pink flamingo marionette (I nearly fell off the bed laughing, it’s to remember the Oasis he said)
27. A spider plant (I remember watching Christi grown these, but his better off with me, it wont die that way)
28. A set of gardening tools
29. A patchwork comforter (soft, so soft, and perfect)

I’m sitting here on the patio with me back to the garden trying to write. Usually I can just put pen to paper and write, scribble, do something but not today. He was back again yesterday. I walked out of the Tween and there he was pounding away on the roof top replacing and rehanging the shingles that tore loose the last big blow we had. I had meant to do that myself, but Anne, well Anne didn’t want to even go into the house. I stood under the cottonwoods watching him. His muscles rippling in the sun, his strokes sure and steady. I knew Isis saw me as that she stood up stretched aywned then laid back down. If only I could be that content. So not knowing what to say and not waiting to distract a man some 20 feet inthe air I made my way around the back of my parents house and let  myself in.

I tried busying myself with household chores, fixing dinner, cleaning, but I always found myself drawn to the windows. Finally right about dusk he came off the roof and about an hour later I heard the gate alarm chime in my office. he was gone. I’m not sure if I relaxed because he was gone or relaxed because I was nervous that he might stay, but I poured myself a tall drink and went out to the front porch.  Dinner was tense, everyone knew Lance was here and yet no one wanted to talk about it, so instead we talked about the Tribe of Three heading out to look for dinosaurs. Seriously I kid you not. General Sykes will loose it if they actually come back with one as Cody has threatened to allow Miryam to do.

Linsey is still not sure where the new bloodline in the horses has come from and is a bit concerned about it. It’s an ancient strain, something out of Arabia but she isn’t sure. Then there is the matter of 20 horses currently residing in ENY and only one person vaguely remembering that they asked for refuge during the Celtian War.  That is my next project.  Finding a suitable outfit to wear to visit the ENY and ask for my horses back. It’s one thing to got visit Nico wearing jeans and a tee-shirt he knows what I am I don’t have to pretend to be something else, but I remember the Family and what they were like, so even if I have to look like a trained monkey with my hat in my hand I will do it.

Meghan and I talked about that once, how men could work a big negoistation while playing a round of golf, all hot and sweaty, but if I woman tried that she was dismissed. She told me about this big deal that she was brokering with Lockheed, they were willing to fund a 5.7 million dollar project with ATIC as the main contractor. So she went to Washington dressed to the nines wine and dined them flashed her blue eyes at them spoke in small sentences with tiny words, got their signatures and came home. Then several months later they sent representatives from the company unannounced to make an inspection and find out about deliverables. The secretary was new and didn’t know how to use the intercom system, so here are these bigwigs in suit and tie and they walk in and find my sister in jean shorts, a college tee-shirt, hair in braids, laying on her back with her hand stuck up the internals of a mega computer.  She ans Zac were talking in that strange technical language that they use so when she realizes that they aren’t technicians she forgets to switch gears. She said that you would  have thought they had smelled something foul, that the looks on their faces when they realized who she was was just priceless. She joked that they actually captured the horrified grimance off the security cameras and posted in the break room for everyone to see and that Zac in his strange sense of British humor

Sweet Lord..he’s walking up the path

I came across some old LP’s when I was cleaning out Deschene’s attic. Sevety-six years and I was finally able to get my  Love and Rockets album back from Maryanne. Cody was so tickled when I asked him to help me hook the stereo and speakers up after I located them in the garage and dragged them into the living room. He looked longingly at the equipment, Harmon Kardon top of the line when I bought it with money I earned as a tour guide for Canyon River. He looked as if what he really wanted to do was get into the guts of my record player and tinker with it, probably making it better than it ever was, but my stereo is off limits. No one was allowed to touch it, not even Meghan.

So I put this record on Love and Rockets, Seventh Dream of a Teenage Heaven… I wish I hadn’t, but I’m glad that I did. Great Spirits I miss him so much.

Haunted When the Minutes Drag

The word that would best describe this feeling
Would be haunted
I touch the clothes you left behind
That still retain your shape and lines
Still haunted
I trace the outline of your eyes
We’re in the mirror hypnotized
I’m haunted
I find a solitary hair
Gone and still I remenice
I’m haunted

Ooooh
Ooooh 

I was tempted to listen to it again, but Saudade started to play. The memories came with a flood of tears until the album began to skip.  I hate that Skip… Linsey came in chatting to Shideezie about a mix of bloodlines that wasn’t present before and needed to be traced so fortunately I was able to busy myself making them something to eat and they were to engrossed with their conversation to notice. I didn’t realize that my shields were blown until after lunch and I was cleaning up and Linsey came over and gave me a hug. She didn’t say anything, but she let me kiss her forehead before I released her.

I wonder sometimes what Devlan would say if I asked him to send me back in time so that I could save our family, our friends, but I’m to afraid to ask. I’m afraid of what he would say.

I’ve only fallen in love twice my entire life time. Both men different as night and day. The other men who have been in my life fit into those two catagories, but could never compare. Recently I learned that sometimes you have to stop comparing and start living.

At first I thought my heart would break to do this, but I’ve found it to be quite enlightening, invigorating and freeing to the soul.

Christopher made me fall in love with him. I didn’t want to be in love, I had a career path laid out in front of me and I didn’t have time for love, marriage and all that came with it. He made me see differently. He came from a large family and wanted one also. I was bucking for promotion to Major and contemplating another PhD. His laughter, the jokes, the pranks, the outlook that he had on life made me realize that it would be possible. That I could in fact share my life, my goals and my heart without having to give up the things I wanted.

When I lost him I felt as if I had lost a piece of myself. The sun in my world had set when his plane crashed, the horrible thoughts that I might have killed him because of a design flaw made me want to crash and burn as well, but somehow I remained afloat, adrift, but afloat.

My life found a new direction, different from the career path I had thought I wanted to caring for others. I flew life flights across the country and sometimes abroad to save the lives of children who otherwise might not have a chance. When I flew Chris was with me, smiling at me telling me that I did good.

Though Nick doesn’t smile, laugh or kid around, his stability and readiness to be there, to make me see clearly has always reminded me of Chris. Both incredibly good at what they set out to do and with no remorse afterwards it’s interesting to think that they might have been good friends. Afterall other than myself the other thing that they have in common is a best friend, Lance.

Lance never asked me to fall in love with him and I honestly can’t remember why I did in the first place. I was 16 full of hormones and he was to die for in his Marine uniform. Maybe it was his smile, or the way his words twinkled in his eyes. His smooth Texan charm and old fashion manners. Or possibly the way that he could field strip and clean a gun in under a minute and out maneuver my father in battle tactics.  At 16 I was rebellious and as my father’s Sgt. he could talk back to him where as I couldn’t. Lance was the one that got me off the hook, or Meghan rather for stealing the Jeep off base and crashing it into a chelly, how was I to know about the flash flood? He was the one who understood why I bought the 4×4 from Old Man Ramos and repaired it, but he never said a word.

Later when he found himself falling in love with me he asked me why I had loved him for as many years as I had. I told him that my feelings were complicated. That it was hard to explain  without sounding stupid, or insincere, but the fact of the matter was that what I felt for him was so all encompassing that I was just content to be his friend, to be near him, to be part of his life.

Now I find that I may have to let him go for a third time. To be content to be only friends, only a distant part of his life once more. It’s more complicated than it was the last time. And this time I’m not sure that I can settle for that. A dear dear friend and lover of the Ghost-within has cautioned me to give it, this, him, us, time.

But I’ve waited two life times and I’m just not sure that I can.

I’m not sure if this song still exists, quite possibly in the Technosphere archives, Sigma9’s library or even Zero’s P-pod. I doubt that Lance would ever remember hearing it, but I’ve been hearing it for days now. How is it that something so sweet, so tender, so right be tearing me apart inside. He called to me, he claimed me, yet now as I Walk to The Ten Nat.. no Seven Nations I am even more confused.

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes...

I will loose him soon and there is nothing I can do about it…would it that it were me who wasn’t keeping the secrets

As well as it can be except for the fact that Lance is taking the Jackalope and the P-poc to war. But I get ahead of myself.

The ritual went well. I felt elated and free, I felt as if I might be able to fly, if only I were to let go of my soul and leap out over that edge. The program would have flung me as far as I wanted to go, I had taken out all scripts preventing terminal failure. Had I known that I could trust the boys I might have had them help with the programming, but even then that would have put them in danger. But again I get a head of myself.

With Konrad Stahls help we were able to cover more distance and basically ransack the Metaverse for any sign or trace of Devin and Jack. With those anchoring us and directing the focus we didn’t stray off of the path at all.  I found Devin and Jack, possibly Meghan as well, but I was only strong enough to pull Jack through. Devin’s will to stay ‘there’ to help my sister was to strong, there was something else that he had to do as well, he said that there was an answer, but I was to tired to understand and I had in my hands Jack’s soul.

The energy the fluttering vibrance of it caused me to be in awe, even then as I held her in reverence I heard Devins cries, cries of pain and despare. Would that i could have spoke to him reassured him more, but there was little time and I was so tired.

My friends knew what to do when we returned to ourselves. Konrad was wiped out, and i could see the dark forces that he held at bay laughing waiting for him to crumble but he didn’t. Marie St. Claire, loa blessed mamba that she is was instrumental in leading those in a quick reading and judgment of Jacks soul. I dimly remember hoping that Jack would return to her body and not the wheel as I believe Miryam and Rom perhaps even Cody believed that she should.   When she woke it was that of a child, a dawning of realization that hadn’t been there with the other Jack’s.  It worked. I still can’t believe that it did, but it worked.

I haven’t lost Devin he is still out there or at least the energy that is his soul is out there. Devin and his memories walk and speak it will be interesting to see what this might put forth at a later date.

Lance came for me after the ritual was complete. I wasn’t sure that i would ever see him and his smile almost broke my compossure. Certainly as I was leaving and was surrounded by my former students my composure broke when they told me that since i was no longer their professor and they no longer ‘had’ to respect me that they could now like me. Talbot, Winter, Aldrich, Archibald, Sim they all hugged me in turn. The tears were hard to hold back My boys. Would that I could spare them.

Lance I I entered the Rave and I watched Konrad, who seemed quite recoverd, dance what seemed to be one of the oldest dances in history, movement, light, being.  After that I felt Lance take me by the arm and lead me outside. By some sheer force of will I made it to my room and collapsed, my consciousness lingered long enough to determine that he climbed in bed with me and wrapped me in his arms and held me as I shivered in fear, or coldness, or audacity, I odn’t know which, but he was there and it was all that mattered until sleep took me.

The next day the shower woke me. A service revolver, not my own was in my hand and pointing at lance who was coming out of the bathroom pulling his shirt on. Part of me told my mind that he was dead and this was impossible the other part lept for joy that it was possible and yet I still couldn’t believe it. I chalked it up to stress.

Breakfast was a discussion of war. It seemed that i was alaway discussing war. Move this troop here over these trails, but this wasn’t the war that they were talking about. It was war with Ft. Knox. I promised calvary horses to Nigel, hoping Linsey wouldn’t mind my being so forthwith with her tribe, but i knew that the second year stallions were chomping at the bit as were several of the alpha and bravo units that had been trainging for this all of their lives, or had they, even the LA hotel coffee made watery and full of mind clearing drugs couldn’t punch through the haziness. War, Ft.Knox.

Phermones. Konrad. I wanted to sleep with him and yet at the same time serve him milk and cookies and read him a bedtime story. Rosie in over her head.

Lance took my hand and squeezed it, “Ya’ll with us?” he asked looking into my eyes. I was. He was. it was all that mattered.

I need to Walk. It’s an itch. If I stay in one place to long I get a tingling in my spine, an urge, a need to go to the mists. It’s not an addiction, nor symbiotic (I checked that early on), but I can’t explain it.

So after being couped up in LA I grabbed my laptop a strange new sensation, yet a familar one from the past and set out for the Ranch. Linsey was glad to see me. There were problems that I needed to take care of, strange things coming out of the mist and attacking. I reset the shields and ordered Bravo team to do sensor sweeps. Linsey had already had the ranchers pull the cattle in, a few heads were missing, though I’m not sure if it was from the things in the mist or friendly raids by other tribes. Linsey is going to ask Rom to look into it.

Armed with the items I needed for the ritual I took a long leisurly look around the Ranch and rode patrol with Lins. Maybe I could come back here, but I needed to see things through first. This took me to my next stop. A quick walk really. If Lance only knew just how close jackalope sat to one of the Seven nations Gates I think he would order his men to pick the compound up by the edges and move it as far as he could. No matter. The Elders asked me to speak to him about the surplus of young men chomping at the bit to get out into the real world to test their skills as warriors and millita, I’m not sure if I want to damn myself for bringing in outsiders to ignite their imaginations or sigh in relief.

Lance was in his office. It’s definitely his office now and it suits him. I stood there for a moment drinking in the sight of him. So foolish. Then he looked up and smiled. My heart lurched. We talked about Sunray for a moment, the current thron in his side, my suggestion was total annihilation. Serin gas, go in give Nigel a gas mask via a hired girl and them tox them. No dice he’s learning to be a diplomat. I asked him what he needed. Thinking about the stock pile of weapons sitting in the warehouses in Phoenix he said trust worthy men. I joked with him that I was trust worthy and already trained. He hired me.

He was serious. Serious about the deployment as well. Recon in the Red Zone. Revers,radiation and lost cities, that should cure the tingling in my back. Then I asked where I might find a bunk and he turned pink and stammered. I should have expected it, but I didn’t I couldn’t let my heart hope. Then he asked if I would bunk with him. My heart stopped and when it started again I was blustering something ridiculous, but I knew that I had said yes.

I kissed him before I left. I wanted to stay take my fingers and run them through his hair, but I couldn’t do that not with what I was going to be attempting. I didn’t want to break his heart, better to have no memories and have what might have been. Than to live with what was and could never be again. That hurts to much. I know.

He tastes like pemacin, smoke and sage.